Friday, November 29, 2013

I'm Not Grateful

today has been shit. 
thanksgiving is supposed to be joyous, isn't it?
about being grateful?
it's unfortunate that im not grateful, then--
I'm not grateful for the stings of my sister's every word,
or for the tightness in my mothers face when she could barely stand but kept cooking anyway. 
im not grateful for my father messing up and calling me a bitch nearly a month ago, slipping and sliding down a cliff that I know he can't climb back up. 
im not grateful for my dog barking at my reflection or for never staying on my bed when I want him with me. 
I'm not grateful for my grandmother living with us and infesting our home with the impermeable scent of White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor. 
I'm not grateful for my grandfather having dementia and being distant. sweet, but distant. 
I'm not grateful for my other grandmother's husband sponsoring a music student and my grandmother taking her shopping and out for lunch and then telling us about it. 
I'm not grateful for my anxiety disorder and ADHD and depression and whatever-the-fuck-else people want to tell me I have.  
im not grateful for two daily medications.
I'm not grateful for the holiday season, supposedly filled with joy and peace and whatever other bullshit gets people to buy things. 
I'm not grateful for my society- and culture-driven materialism. 
I'm not grateful about my family owning two houses and not being able to fucking sell one of them. 
I'm not grateful about the post-holiday letdown I'm experiencing, or the one I know will happen right after christmas, because last year I was having suicidal thoughts on December twenty fifth and fuck me if that isn't screwed up beyond all belief. 
im not grateful for my mother's side of the family all living in my state, mostly in my city. 
Im not grateful for my cousin's militant veganism.
I'm not grateful for my other cousins' militant religion. 
I'm not grateful for the general feeling of tightness of money in my household in comparison to how it felt when I was a child. 
I'm not grateful that I'm living in interesting times because not only am I growing up and becoming more aware of the major problems that surround me, but most of the things surrounding me are also actively fucking falling apart. 
I'm not grateful for the patriarchy or MRAa or nice guys tm or our rape culture or the NRA or republicans or organized religion or our government or the lack of separation between church and state or generalized racism or lack of poc and queer representation in media or discrimination within the lgbtqqpa-whatever-I'm-missing community or the stigma around mental illness or a hundred other things I could list here. 
I just wish today hadn't been so icky. 
the food was great, my sibling wasn't, my day as a whole was complete horseshit. 
isn't that just the story of my fucking life. 

No comments:

Post a Comment