Sunday, September 8, 2013

In Which I Discuss With Myself In Great Detail a Stalemate and A Liar

down
and down
and down
and
down
toes on the edge
of a precipice
of a cliff waiting for me to dive
push me
tap my shoulder and wait for me to turn around
and i
will
fall
words with no meaning
and soundless echoes of hatred
will follow me
because one
two
three
buffer months are not enough
and if your face appears in my dreams
you are to blame
and if i do burn my letters
those dozens of letters
then the ashes will be my tears
that i never spilled for you
because i don't cry anymore
i haven't cried
in ten months
and twelve days
you do the math
because i never learned how
and now look where it's landed me
i am separate
away from the group
of people who kept me alive
and i have a standing invitation with one
a talk about our feelings with another
a we dont see each other often enough with a third
a lets-not-mess-this-up-with-intent stalemate with the last
and with you
oh
with you
i cannot tell what is real anymore
i cannot tell if you mean it when you say
i miss you
it's not the same without you
we should hang out more
and so
there is a hole in me
i would say
a hole the size of jupiter
but that's inaccurate
there is a hole
the size of the known universe
because you have meant that much to me
before summer came
and that stalemate took place
through four am texts
lowered self-esteem
a break-up
that might have been
my fault
and an hour of teaching
how to use an xbox controller
for evil and never good
and now it has stolen my head
i would say my heart
but that cheesy
and not true
it
this stalemate
has stolen my head
i think about it
and i think about it
and
i
think about
it
and i maintain composure
because i know how and because
i have to
to survive
when really
there is a hurricane taking place
in my mind
my limbic system is at the eye
and action is based on memory and emotion
so it makes sense that i can
function
when i feel like this
the center of it lies
in the fact that you said no
and so i told myself
move on
you have to
move on
and i know it will never happen
but there is some element of hope
some stupid
senseless
element
that is keeping me from
fully giving up
it's a vicious cycle
a stalemate has my head
and a rejection
still seems to be
clamped to my heart

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