Saturday, March 2, 2013

Sleep (Is For People Without Mental Illnesses)

I have a strong dislike for sleep.
People say,
That's not healthy,
You should get some sleep,
How late were you UP?
And I say,
No.
I have a very, very strong dislike for sleep.
When I sleep, and I dream, and I remember my dreams, I never want to wake up because
Nothing is ever as good as my dreams.
Nothing.
And before I sleep, my mind wanders and I think,
What were your reasons?
Why can't I be good enough,
Smart enough,
Pretty enough.
Why wasn't I enough?
And I do things - this you say are bad before bed - so that I don't cry and cry and cry and suffocate in my own emotions.
I read all night.
I have my earbuds in and listen to other people's pain and it makes me feel less alone.
I organize my closet and clean my desk and make art.
I let myself be absorbed into places and words and stories where I don't have to think and I won't ever have to think
Because I have found that when I think,
I cry and cry and cry and suffocate in my own emotions,
And I hate that.
I hate it and there isn't anything I can do about it except read all night, have my earbuds in and listen to other people's pain and organize my closet and clean my desk and make art.
And I get up when I wake up, when I have slept enough, and if I miss things en it's the worlds fault for making me this way.
Isn't that enough?

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