Sunday, February 3, 2013

I am used to this

I look around me
I see brown walls
blue sheets
Grey books
And no one.
No one but nameless faces
That I have created for myself because I have no one else.
The red square with the G+ on it means nothing because
There is no circle with a one or a two or a ten.
No one saying,
How are you?
No one saying want to hang out, or are you alright?
Because they only write about
That dance was perfect
Look what I did.
They do not say,
I supported my friend with an anxiety disorder.
They do not say,
I was there when my friend wanted to kill herself around Christmas,
And they do not say,
I am always here for you. I am your two am.
In the end
I do not have a two am.
I will never have a two am.
Let the music drown you out.
Let yourself be interrupted because it wasn't important anyway,
It's never been important.
Be a doormat and die inside.
You always have and that isn't going to change.
The blue square with the t means nothing
Because there are grey faces whose words sting
No, they do not sting
They burn into your skin
And you are always carrying those scars
Whether you want to or not.
I have not been abused or raped or traumatized by the things I've seen
So why should anyone care?
I just want pity
I just want people to compliment me
Because I need an ego boost.
That's all this is, they say
And what if I start to believe them?
Would that be so awful?
Donotcry, notinfrontofthem, youdontwantpityyoudontwantpityyoudontwantpity, youarenothisweakrose----
The tears come and I run and run and run and run
Because I cannot be around you once I've bared my soul.
I can't unsee the looks on your faces
Can't unhear your tones
You don't understand me
Do I deserve this?

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