Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Those Moments When

So you ever have those moments when
Someone is talking to you
Talking at you
And you want to turn to them and say,
You don't know me.
I know you think you do. I know you think you've known me for as long as you can remember, and longer than I can.
But you don't know me and you can't tell me when to stop because I can't,
I can't just stop whenever you want me to.
I know we've been around each other too long
But I can't deal with you harassing and talking over things and
Making
Me
Want
To
Hurt...
Me. You.
Mostly you. And I know you're scared of me.
I just
I cannot anymore.
I don't want to deal with you,
I can't deal with you.
Do you ever have those moments when
Someone is talking at you
And you want to murder them?

Thursday, December 20, 2012

I Wish

I wish i could speed things up
So that I am in college
And so that I don't fall asleep alone every night
So that I am free to do what I want
And be who I want.
I wish that I were in third grade again, swinging in my backyard and not worrying about her and her and her and him and him and him all the damn time.
I wish I were still longing to watch pg13 movies and swear and wear makeup and have a boyfriend.
I still am longing for one of those things.
I wish that I was married, looking into the adoption of our first child and figuring out what color to paint their room.
I wish I had my own puppy who i took for walks on the suburbs in Northern California on sunny days.
I wish I was still friends with Zoe and Anamika and Alex.
I wish I had friends who would help me save myself
I wish I could start it over, make different choices and not always act like I'm sure of myself like I always hav and I'm sure I always will.
I wish...

Fifty One Minutes

Fifty one minutes til the end of the world.
There is so much left to do
And a million words to say before the hellfire starts.
Fifty minutes.
Forty nine.
I want to say to Adam, I love you, but you've been awful to me and I don't see that changing.
I want to say to Quinn, thank you for being there always.
I want to say to Jake, you are so incredible and I love you so, so much. You are strong and amazing and I believe in you.
I want to say to Sami, you aren't perfect friend, but you're there for me when I need you most and in those moments, you always say exactly the right thing.
Forty seven minutes.
I want to say to Angela, get over yourself and admit how beautiful you are.
Forty six.
I want to say to Liah, I love you so much. You have no idea how much you've done for me, and I am so grateful for your beauty and sincerity.
I want to say to Hope, you are amazing. You know what to say and how to say it and why you need to say it and how to talk to people. Thank you.
Forty four.
I want to say to Mikayla, you are beautiful. You've always been so pretty, but you can't seem to see that. You don't need the makeup or the revealing clothes. You especially don't need the calling your friends prostitutes.
I want to say to Veda, you are so so smart and pretty and understanding. You have an aura around you that just makes me want to smile.
I want to say to McKenzie, I'm grateful for your words, for all of your words, because they are understanding and kind and meaningful and I am glad that you're okay.
Forty minutes.
I want to say to Surabhi, you are so sweet am I am thankful for you and everything you do for me.
I want to say to Story, you are so strong. We are like minded and I love having someone to talk to and you know what? We have each other. I love you and all your little things, my darling.
Thirty nine.
I want to say to Rachel, thank you for listening. Thank you for forgiving me even after I screwed up so so so badly.
I want to say to Grant, I've liked you since oh, third grade. Off and on. And that's because you're actually a great person and a truly legendary friend.
But most of all...
What, surely you didn't think I was done.
Most of all - thirty seven minutes - I want to say to myself, I am trying my hardest to love you. I want to so badly but you aren't perfect. I want to love you for your perfection, I want to love you because you are faultless, but you aren't and that drives me crazy. Maybe next time you could be.
Thirty five minutes.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Living Contradiction

The pressure of my headphones on my head is strangely soothing.
I know I should loosen them, that they are too tight
But that same pressure is a constant
Unlike everything else.
You say you feel the way about him
And I say I don’t want to hear about it.
I don’t, I really don’t.
I tell you I love you, and you tell me about someone else.
You don’t text me back
And you leave me wondering
Is this really so broken?
Are we really so far apart, when we used to be inseparable?
We’re just a couple of teenagers
I don’t know what I’m doing, but I am good at pretending
I am a better actor than you
Because I act like I can forget my issues
With love and life and depression and school and family
Because I have shit that I still haven’t worked through
And I don’t know if I will.
Less than a year, there have been 1.6 mass murders per week
If you average them, of course.
And that makes me think, I am done with the world
If I have to live in a place where people are killing other people
Innocent children and their own parents
Then maybe, though it pains you to hear it,
Maybe I don’t want to live here anymore.
I want to be skinny and beautiful
But I want to be loved for my smarts and my humor.
I sometimes want to commit suicide
But I think that people who do are selfish.
I don’t want to be depressed or anxious
But I won’t take my meds.
I want my love to love me too
But I want to be as far away from him as possible.
I am a living contradiction.
Is that why things are so hard?