Sunday, November 18, 2012

Why Can't I?

Society has a set definition of normal
of okay
and of accepted.
I am none of these things.
I like the internet and book and I watch too much television and I'm overweight, so I am not normal
I am depressed and anxious and I see a therapist and I'm on medication so I'm not okay
and I don't like our systems and I have political views as a middle schooler so I'm not accepted.
Why can't I?
Why can't I be 'normal', be the girl who is skinny and beautiful and reads chickLit?
Why can't I be 'okay', happy and unafraid and ready for anything?
Why can't I be 'accepted', the image of obliviousness and frivolity?
I know why.
I am unusual and wise, I know that much. I am in the 99th percentile of intelligence for people my age, and I feel a thousand years old some days. I am educated because I want to be, I want to have opinions and intelligent conversations - and yet, no one will take me seriously because I am thirteen.
I am a love-struck child, I want to be a singer and a dancer and an actor but I know am not good enough. I am a love-struck child whose best friend broke her heart, and then when she thought she was over him, he broke it again by pointing at her, that perfect skinny tan tall leggy older beautiful blonde girl, with her perfect looks and hair and name - vanessa. i mean really. emily versus vanessa? the latter will always win. Does he know that she isn't over him and might not be for a long long long while? No
and that's okay with her
because at least he knows she cares
right?
But he hasn't answered her yet
he hasn't said 'yes, you're pretty' or 'not to me' even though she opened up
and she asked
because another girl who she trusts
with everything
has had so many (six) in the past year call her beautiful
and she has had none.
her heart is broken
she is insecure and cracked
she is a shell
and when things start to fill up
and she lets people see them
they steal them away
or poison them until they shrivel
until she is a shell again
and she knows she always will be.
--i know this got away from me. these things to a lot. the pov changes and the tense might and I'm sorry. but deal with it.--

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