Thursday, August 21, 2014

Note to

If I have learned anything,
I have learned,
Don't get too close. 
Someone is gonna break your heart
Someone is gonna leave you in the dust
Someone is gonna say the worst words you've ever heard
And it would never have happened
If you had stayed that little bit more detached. 
I want to scream don't leave me behind
Don't leave me alone with them
I don't know if I'll make it through the year
But it's a bit late for that
And if we never see each other again
I have no one to blame. 
I'm sorry I got close
I'm sorry I took up their time
I'm sorry she only saw you when you weren't capable of doing things yourself
I'm sorry she doesn't understand that you're as much of an adult as she was when she was your age. 
I'm sorry that I do have someone to blame for that. 
I'm sorrier that it's me. 
She's afraid you won't ask for help when you need it 
And I mostly think you won't need help
But if you do ask for help
She's going to applaud you
She's going to be obnoxious
I know I could have prevented this
I'm sorry I didn't understand that until now. 
It still feels like you're abandoning me. 
I know you need to leave but I don't know how I'll make it if you do. 

Monday, December 2, 2013

Attention Whore

a list of things that my family ought to be doing at any given time:
not working
not cooking
not busy

Friday, November 29, 2013

I'm Not Grateful

today has been shit. 
thanksgiving is supposed to be joyous, isn't it?
about being grateful?
it's unfortunate that im not grateful, then--
I'm not grateful for the stings of my sister's every word,
or for the tightness in my mothers face when she could barely stand but kept cooking anyway. 
im not grateful for my father messing up and calling me a bitch nearly a month ago, slipping and sliding down a cliff that I know he can't climb back up. 
im not grateful for my dog barking at my reflection or for never staying on my bed when I want him with me. 
I'm not grateful for my grandmother living with us and infesting our home with the impermeable scent of White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor. 
I'm not grateful for my grandfather having dementia and being distant. sweet, but distant. 
I'm not grateful for my other grandmother's husband sponsoring a music student and my grandmother taking her shopping and out for lunch and then telling us about it. 
I'm not grateful for my anxiety disorder and ADHD and depression and whatever-the-fuck-else people want to tell me I have.  
im not grateful for two daily medications.
I'm not grateful for the holiday season, supposedly filled with joy and peace and whatever other bullshit gets people to buy things. 
I'm not grateful for my society- and culture-driven materialism. 
I'm not grateful about my family owning two houses and not being able to fucking sell one of them. 
I'm not grateful about the post-holiday letdown I'm experiencing, or the one I know will happen right after christmas, because last year I was having suicidal thoughts on December twenty fifth and fuck me if that isn't screwed up beyond all belief. 
im not grateful for my mother's side of the family all living in my state, mostly in my city. 
Im not grateful for my cousin's militant veganism.
I'm not grateful for my other cousins' militant religion. 
I'm not grateful for the general feeling of tightness of money in my household in comparison to how it felt when I was a child. 
I'm not grateful that I'm living in interesting times because not only am I growing up and becoming more aware of the major problems that surround me, but most of the things surrounding me are also actively fucking falling apart. 
I'm not grateful for the patriarchy or MRAa or nice guys tm or our rape culture or the NRA or republicans or organized religion or our government or the lack of separation between church and state or generalized racism or lack of poc and queer representation in media or discrimination within the lgbtqqpa-whatever-I'm-missing community or the stigma around mental illness or a hundred other things I could list here. 
I just wish today hadn't been so icky. 
the food was great, my sibling wasn't, my day as a whole was complete horseshit. 
isn't that just the story of my fucking life. 

Monday, September 16, 2013

bitter leather

everything is too quiet.
there's wind blowing and an airplane flying by but it still feels like i'm in the middle of an insufferable silence,
the kind that hangs heavy and thick in the air
and when you inhale it feels as though everything is sticky with heat and humidity.
september is nice because it's mild, but there's something about today that feels biting,
like a whip or someone's sharp sarcasm.
and today has been one cruel shwip of a leather strap after another.
legally, i'm not even enrolled in school,
and i'm having a day where i'm alone but never lonely.
if you thought i was going to be in classes with you tomorrow, then we were both wrong,
because my counselor called sick at the last minute
and i'm not sure i've ever felt quite as much like i've been stranded.
i'll be there wednesday, i hope.
now the sun is shining but everything still feels cruel and at war with itself,
like it has to figure out how to hurt me more than it already has.
as much as i prefer this kind of weather, the world feels
arrogant and bitter
as though it knows how personally i know how to take everything.

Monday, September 9, 2013

this doesn't happen

today i met
a girl
who is at this so called
school of choice
because she was bullied
the kind of thing that you think only happens
in fiction.
and i met another girl
who told her bully
to fuck off
and she got detention for it.
and i wonder
how sheltered am i
that i don't know
that these things
happen
because i
live
in a fantasy
a play
some kind of twisted utopia
where
this doesn't happen.
today i felt confident
and interesting
because i quit something that i hated
and i met other people who 
shared my interests.
a fanfiction writer
who said so out loud
in a room of people she didn't yet know
and a girl with an ao3
who hasn't seen city of bones yet.
we're making plans to see it together friday
and i'm sitting with her in english tomorrow.
and i felt safe
like i could say things
and feel things
and like i was allowed to talk in class
and make my opinions known
and answer questions
and when i did
the teachers never said,
<yes, but...>
or,
<you're wrong because...>
and
i felt respected as a student
as though i actually had rights
and that my opinions were valid
appreciated, even
and
that doesn't happen.
today in english
when i sat down
next to a girl with blue hair
and a glittery piercing in her upper lip
she said, 
<hello>
and when we got to art
we discussed the people
who give fandoms a bad name
with a girl who's preferred name
is one third from
comic books.
and i was not the only one
who was visibly uncomfortable
some of the girls
were so quiet
that we
all of us
collectively
could barely
hear them.
by art class
there was a quiet kind of 
camaraderie
the teacher asked for terrie
and six of us mumbled
<it's thorre>
more than one person said,
<she got thu's name right>
when she pronounced it to
instead of thuh or thoo
like the last two teachers had.
i was not particularly quiet
and i was joined
in my unquiet
by the other students
who also maybe
finally
felt halfway-comfortable
in their own skins.
and that didn't happen.
today i started at a new school.
i knew where i was going
as soon as i got there
and there were twenty five
other people
who knew
just where they were going
but didn't know
how to get there.
and now i think
we will help each other
because none of us
are here for malice
we are here
because everything else
doesn't work
is against us
and everything else
hurts.
i guess
this is happening.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

In Which I Discuss With Myself In Great Detail a Stalemate and A Liar

down
and down
and down
and
down
toes on the edge
of a precipice
of a cliff waiting for me to dive
push me
tap my shoulder and wait for me to turn around
and i
will
fall
words with no meaning
and soundless echoes of hatred
will follow me
because one
two
three
buffer months are not enough
and if your face appears in my dreams
you are to blame
and if i do burn my letters
those dozens of letters
then the ashes will be my tears
that i never spilled for you
because i don't cry anymore
i haven't cried
in ten months
and twelve days
you do the math
because i never learned how
and now look where it's landed me
i am separate
away from the group
of people who kept me alive
and i have a standing invitation with one
a talk about our feelings with another
a we dont see each other often enough with a third
a lets-not-mess-this-up-with-intent stalemate with the last
and with you
oh
with you
i cannot tell what is real anymore
i cannot tell if you mean it when you say
i miss you
it's not the same without you
we should hang out more
and so
there is a hole in me
i would say
a hole the size of jupiter
but that's inaccurate
there is a hole
the size of the known universe
because you have meant that much to me
before summer came
and that stalemate took place
through four am texts
lowered self-esteem
a break-up
that might have been
my fault
and an hour of teaching
how to use an xbox controller
for evil and never good
and now it has stolen my head
i would say my heart
but that cheesy
and not true
it
this stalemate
has stolen my head
i think about it
and i think about it
and
i
think about
it
and i maintain composure
because i know how and because
i have to
to survive
when really
there is a hurricane taking place
in my mind
my limbic system is at the eye
and action is based on memory and emotion
so it makes sense that i can
function
when i feel like this
the center of it lies
in the fact that you said no
and so i told myself
move on
you have to
move on
and i know it will never happen
but there is some element of hope
some stupid
senseless
element
that is keeping me from
fully giving up
it's a vicious cycle
a stalemate has my head
and a rejection
still seems to be
clamped to my heart

Friday, July 26, 2013

Ugh

It's terrible, you say, and I will respond with: a bit, yes.
I am sad that you are like this. 
I do not wish this isolation on anyone.
And you being you, well,
I wish you knew how wonderful you are.
You're the one who tolerates and listens and agrees.
Stop hating yourself.
And you're the one doesn't smile,
Who laughs at the stupidest jokes and then
Observes on the state of things with me.
Stop making me like you.
See, my problem is that I'm not good at people.
You aren't either, but your awkwardness leaves you at an advantage because you're a guy. 
That's just how these things work.
But I am not good at people, and I fall out of contact too easily, and you have never questioned me for if.
And that time when you told me you really liked me?
I know it was a fluke, because of her, but it's stayed with me.
When I said it, I meant it.
I still do, and I hate that about myself.
I want to not like you as more than a friend more than I want anything right now.
But you get me, and no one else does.